The Four Essential Tools For A Smooth, Squeaky Clean Body

I’ll be the first to tell you that the folks working on this site come equipped with some concrete opinions about showering. When to do it, how often to do it, how to make the experience better. I’m not immune to holding onto my own opinion about the matter either (apparently the subject of showering is the glue to our wee team here)—but my area of concentration is a bit more niche. Or more general! It all depends on how you look at it, but the crux is this: the only way to make the most of your shower, to really get clean, is to scrub like there’s no tomorrow.

Exfoliating is practically my life’s work. I do it often and I do it well, and I’m always careful to only apply light pressure (no tough scrub is worth the burn). My obsession with rubbing irregular textures on my body has driven me to hone in on what I call a two squeak approach: tools to get me squeaky clean (squeak one), and gizmos to get me squeaky smooth (squeak two). Scrubbing every nook and cranny until my body resembles a glorious bowling ball is what gets me out of the bed every morning. No ifs, ands, or buts. I’ve got tools on tools on tools that I’m constantly putting in and out of rotation. Let me teach you my ways:

At first glance, unassuming. Then you touch it, and realize that this four-foot washcloth is woven with thousands of tiny, exfoliating ridges. Get it soaking wet, add the most lathery soap you’ve got at the moment (for me, that’s Commodity Orris Bath Bar) and you’ll be able to scrub down your body’s general surface area in hardly no time at all. If you’re like me you’ll want to do your back twice (because you can, you’re practically Stretch Armstrong with this thing), and your arms four times each since you’ll be drunk on scrubbing power. But then you’ll have to rein it in when your mind drifts to, “Should I just scrub my face and get everything done at once?” The answer is a resounding, no.

An accessory for those who want to give themselves a big ol’ hug while putting in some exfoliating work. I don’t need to tell you how it scrubs so well that you might see gray specks of dirt fly off your skin as you’re using it—Kate already did that here. I’ll just say that you’ll never forget to wash behind your ears again, as there’s no place a finger-scrubber can’t reach. Never forget the mastoid. It’s the little things that matter!

Every once in a while, it’s nice to indulge in the pre-shower scrub, especially one that leaves your body tingly, flicks off layers of gross dead skin, and wakes you up because that brushing really revs up your circulatory system. Part morning cardio with all that circular brushing, and part massage if you put on a body oil before brushing—it’s like you’re a Laker on any given game night. Follow at your own will…but I also like to cut corners on my dry brush days by repurposing it as a loofah in the shower (sue me!). Doing this gives me all the tingly, increased blood circulation goodness of a dry brush while getting completely clean all at once.

This is a bootcamp in a soap bar—what you use when you want to smooth your body into dolphin-skin shape after months of neglecting ye olde exfoliants. No accessories required because the scrub is within the bar, but make sure you aren’t scrubbing too hard and definitely not daily—this bar is powerful stuff! I like to focus on my elbows, knees, and feet—the roughest parts of my skin. It doesn’t smell like anything and it certainly isn’t pretty, but who cares? I’m as slippery as Leo DiCaprio in that fun movie about aviation fraud when I’m done. Catch me, you won’t.

—Utibe Mbagwu

Photo via ITG

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